A Funny Valentine Could Be Serious, Re-visited

"In America, there is one divorce every 13 seconds. That’s 6,646 divorces per day, and 46,523 divorces per week." -McKinley Irvin blog

 

 

At about this time every year --near Valentine's Day-- I check the latest statistics on marriage and divorce. I figure that if divorce rates are declining substantially, I will stop giving advice to the lovelorn. Here we go again.

Discovering the succinct if shocking facts in several sources this year, I decided to explain some of the most powerful ideas for finding lasting love in a recorded one-hour webinar  "Authentic Intimacy: Finding Lasting Love".  Now, couples can study the 14 Predictors for Dating Relationships, the 27 Terms & Conditions For Successful Marriage, and how to add a healthy dose of humor, ad infinitum (or ad nauseum, whichever comes first).

As a BONUS, I suggest 2 Moral Obligations and 6 Nearly Magical Phrases that will keep relationships humming along. These strategies may come too late to save already failing marriages, or those already disrupted by divorce, but they can be insurance for the success of love in the future.

Let's compare notes. In addition to having gotten my own nose bloodied (so to speak) in a few relationships, I have counselled hundreds of people about relationships professionally. Taking my own advice, I have been on the relationship practice-makes-perfect-program and believe I have finally got it right.

I am especially interested in hearing the advice you would you give to those seeking long-lasting love if you have found a way to get out of the relationship revolving door and into a successful love relationship, or if you are in one of the occupations where people tend to talk a lot about their relationships (bartender, taxi driver, barber or hairdresser).

Most people already know that around 50 percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce. The number is similarly high in many other developed nations.

When you break that down by number of marriages:
 ■41 percent of first marriages end in divorce.
 ■60 percent of second marriages end in divorce.
 ■73 percent of third marriages end in divorce.

The average length of a marriage that ends in divorce is eight years.

People wait an average of three years after a divorce to remarry (if they remarry at all).

The average age for couples going through their first divorce is 30 years old.
About 1 percent of the total number of currently married same-sex couples gets divorced each year, in comparison to about 2 percent of married straight couples. (Note that the percent of couples that get divorced eventually is 50 percent, but only one or two percent get divorced in a particular year.)
Click here to read all of that particular report.


It appears that there is still a need for sound advice for couples who are dating and those whose marriages have fallen into unsatisfying ruts of boredom, anger, and misery.

For example: Humor is a skill worth developing.

"A relationship without humor is like shaking hands with gloves on."

Sherry Suib Cohen

 

Studies show that sense of humor ranks at the top of lists of desirable traits. Brides-to-be who were asked what they admired most in their man, most often mentioned as attractive: sense of humor (outranking romantic nature, intelligence, and good looks). It seems that women take the decision to marry seriously, but the courtship has also got to be lighthearted. Humor also topped the lists in reports by Newsweek and in Men's Health. But, it takes more than just telling jokes.

Here are some of my perennial suggestions for adding a touch of humor to romance.

* Waltz your partner around the room while you hum their favorite song.
* Leave little surprise notes around the house for your partner, such as, in the freezer: "Honey, the meatloaf was great!" or, about 100 pages ahead of the bookmark in their bedside mystery or Fifty Shades book: "I don't know whodunit, but I'd like to do it with you."
* Slip a new CD into their car stereo if they've been complaining about traffic jams on the way home.
* Use a waterproof marker to draw a heart encircling your initials on the hand-sanitizer dispenser they take to the gym.
* Put a candy bar in their briefcase if you know they love chocolate.
* In the middle of the stack of papers they bring home from the office, slip a note that says "I love you!"

I enumerated even more of these hard-won insights in my book, "Toilet Paper, Toothpaste, and Tuna-Noodle Casserole."  The title was inspired by three of things couple had knock-down-drag-out fights about in my office. You probably know what the toilet paper and the toothpaste conflicts are, but one couple in pre-marital counseling almost cancelled their wedding because, "She doesn't make tuna-noodle casserole the way my mother did!" (When the book was originally published, it included MY mother's recipe. Yum!)


Relationship Autopsy
Talk about love is blind! Even when a dating relationship is doomed to eventual disaster, most people do not pay attention to the warning signs. Caught up in the thrill of infatuation, social pressures, or emotional neediness, we ignore, dismiss, and rationalize the signals of eventual failure. Some of us only figure it out in the post-relationship examination. Realizing that the disaster could have been avoided if we had only listened to the signals --including our best friends' and families' exasperated pleadings-- is a valuable lesson for the future.

When the traditional marriage vows were written, life expectancy was only about 40 years, and the average marriage lasted only about 15 years. Now we have the potential for 80 years of marriage. The standard vows are too vague and too few to sustain that long of a relationship.

Examples of Predictors of a Dating Relationship: Is your prospect really available? Are they truly free of past relationships legally, mentally, and emotionally? If your prospect is legally divorced, are they emotionally divorced as well? Starting a new relationship before a previous one has ended usually creates painful complications.

Does your prospect have a good sense of humor? Do they laugh and smile easily and often? Do you bring out the laughter in each other? Can they ease tension by finding humor in sticky predicaments without trivializing them? Is their humor good-natured rather than mean-spirited or angrily sarcastic? “Yes” to these questions is a very good sign.

Terms & Conditions of the Love Contract

In the age of modern technology, when we are mindlessly clicking AGREE to "I have read the terms of usage", commitmentphobia can arise because, by comparison, the terms of the love contract seem extremely vague. With my car lease, I know what I'm getting into. But, love?

The 14 tips for predicting the future of a dating relationship, and the 27 commitments, form the basis of the contemporary love contract. Individuals and couples who study and implement these can greatly increase the odds of their finding happiness together for the long term.

Here are a few of the specific terms of the love contract for couples to negotiate and agree to.

I realize that fairy-tale romance doesn't really exist and that "happily ever after" demands a lot of work and that "getting married" is a life-long process; I will be patient..
I promise I will confront problems as they come up, not wait and hope they will go away.
I promise that I will never be too busy to sit and watch the sunset with you.
I will develop my sense of humor and invite you to laugh with me.

For the sake of lovers everywhere, what advice would YOU give?

 

How to Predict the Future of a Dating Relationshp

STARTING TO DATE AGAIN?

TIRED OF LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES?

TRY PREDICTING THE FUTURE OF DATING USING THESE

PREDICTIVE AWARENESS QUESTIONS

©

My dictionary defines a rut as a hollow depression which is a pretty good description of how you feel when one relationship after another doesn’t work out: hollow and depressed. One thing you can to protect yourself from the "relationship rut" is to become a better predictor of relationships.

Affirm yourself as someone who is realistic about relationships, who is developing a reliable internal guidance system. Get your head and your heart working together and you can more accurately predict the future of a dating relationship, see and properly react to the danger signs, and stop wasting time.

Ideas for Working With This List
Read the list several times. Rate yourself on each item, for example: I do this one well; I want to do better about this one; I really must do better about this one.

Identify specific relationships from the past (or present) where you could have done better. Write about them in a journal. Discuss them with a friend or in a support group. Turn them into action items.

1) Is your prospect really available? Are they truly free of past relationships legally, mentally, and emotionally? Do you see signs of addictions, dependencies, or compulsive behaviors? If your prospect is legally divorced, are they emotionally divorced as well? Starting a new relationship before a previous one has ended usually creates painful complications. Because people tend to behave in patterns, the way your prospect ended previous relationships may foretell the ending of yours.

2) Do you need to get a background check by a detective or attorney? It may not sound very romantic, but there are situations --financial, family, career-- where such information can save you a lot of grief.

3) How desperate are you for a relationship? People who are too “hungry” might eat anything. Get help with it, or wait long enough to get over desperation, before you make a commitment.

4) Does your prospect have a good sense of humor? Do they laugh and smile easily and often? Do you bring out the laughter in each other? DO you "get" and enjoy their sense of humor? Can they ease tension by finding humor in sticky predicaments without trivializing them? Is their humor good-natured rather than mean-spirited or angrily sarcastic? “Yes” to these questions is a very good sign.

5) During your first date(s), does your prospect ask you questions about yourself? Sales professionals know that a customer who asks good questions is signaling a buying mood, and the sale will likely be closed. At your first meeting, if you are the only one asking questions, it is a pretty good sign that your prospect is not “buying”. Don’t waste your time on more dates.

6) Listen to them describe their feelings about relationships from the past.  If they have had essentially good relationships that just didn't work out, that's a favorable sign.  If they are angry and blame the women/men of their past for the relationship failure they had, you will probably be next. The best prospects are those whose past relationships ended in a friendly way, without bitterness or ugliness or at least where they point the finger equally at themselves.

7) What is their life like when you meet?  Is it a good and satisfying life, or are they looking to be rescued from their financial problems, age problems, or a desperate need to be in a relationship?  Many people in need of rescue have a way of becoming romantic and sexy quickly. If you are a rescue vehicle and an object, you are not a person.  It's safest to get involved with prospects who have a well-rounded, satisfying life, and who aren't looking to you to make their life work.

8) How did you meet?  Were you both flaunting symbols of success, achievement, and career; or of physical allure?   The more each of you played symbol games in the beginning, the more the relationship will have a gamey, fragile quality. Without a foundation in authenticity, it may become highly volatile and will tend to be either easy-come-easy-go, or it will last longer before it crashes and burns.

9) How about you?  How do you really feel about the opposite sex?  What's your history in relationships?  And how do you perceive the opposite sex in general? Most important, do you really want a relationship or do you just want to be with someone who knows how to leave you alone? (Men, especially, may be prone to this tendency.)

10) Do you suffer from the fallacy that you can undo the hurts, abuses and injustices a prospect may claim have been done by others in their past? If they may make you larger than life at the beginning, inevitably they will include you as one of the disappointing and dysfunctional people they’ve been involved with.

11) Do you really like the realities of your prospect’s life when you meet? Do you feel positive about their family, friends, habits, values, tastes, the way they eat, how they groom themselves?  The more you have to overlook and rationalize at the beginning, the more you will have to deny and block feelings in order to remain in the relationship.
12) Can you disagree --even argue-- with them without feeling guilty or responsible? Can the two of you bring conflict to a reasonably successful resolution?  Does your prospect accept responsibility for communications problems as often as they point a finger at you?

13) Are you willing to look at your own hang-ups and their painful effects on relationships with people who try to get close to you?

14) Are you both willing to share your test results so you know what risks you might be taking regarding STDs, HIV and AIDs? If either or both of you have been sexually active within the past 10-15 years, getting tested is smart. Make sure that sharing the results is a requirement.


There's much more incredible advice like this in my book, "Toilet Paper, Toothpaste, and Tuna-Noodle Casserole: Observations and Advice on Love, Marriage, and Authentic Intimacy From a Psychologist Who's On The Practice-Makes-Perfect Program." Click here to buy it now.

Oh, Promise Me: The 27 Commitments for Happiness in Long-Term Intimate Relationships

"Your mate doesn't live by bread alone; he or she needs to be "buttered up" from time to time."

~Zig Ziglar

Love, Honor, and Obey?
As a psychotherapist, marriage counselor, and a person with more than a few intimate relationships under his belt, it is clear that the traditional marriage vows are just not enough to sustain really successful truly intimate long-term relationships. Anyone who is aware of the divorce statistics knows this.  Even the vows couples design for their own nuptials aren't enough to keep them together.

Conflict is Inevitable; Misery is Optional
Research shows that long-tern successful intimate relationships of 15-25 years or longer, have likely  hit several lengthy rough patches. These are times for re-alignment. Your car needs periodic alignment because of the rough roads and potholes you have been through; your relationship needs it, too.

In fact, the most successful relationships start with a sustainable set of commitments that also become the tools to do the required periodic maintenance. Start with a good set of tools, then use them as needed.

It might not seem very romantic. It may be difficult and unpleasant to get under the chassis and fix things. But, the smooth ride and extended mileage you'll get will be well worth it.

Stay Out of the Ditch
Before you commit, take time to discuss each of these statements and come to agreement.  The less agreement you come to, the less likely you are to sustain romance, intimacy, love, support, and happiness; you'll be off the road in a ditch much sooner than you expected or hoped for.  The more agreement you can come to, and the more willing you are to use these commitments as tools, the more likely you are to sustain happiness in the long run.


1. I realize that fairy-tale romance doesn't really exist and that "happily ever after" demands a lot of work.

2. I understand that if I am not happy with myself, I will never be able to make you happy.

3. I realize that communication is the most important aspect of any relationship, and I promise to share my deepest secrets and dreams with you.

4. I promise I will confront problems as they come up, not wait and hope they will go away.

5. I understand that marriage is a commitment and that it is in some ways confining; I choose to accept that confinement in the firm belief that it will help me grow as a person.

6. I understand that there will be joy in our relationship and that there will be pain and sorrow as well.

7. I will not try to change you so that you better fulfill my needs.  If I want to see change happen, I will fulfill your needs and see what happens.

8. I will keep my mind and body healthy, and I will expect you to do the same.

9. I believe that self-knowledge is the most powerful tool a person can have, and I expect you to help me know myself better, even if it means criticizing me.

10. I will give you unconditional respect as a human being at all times and I expect the same in return.
11. I promise that I will never be too busy to sit and watch the sunset with you.

12. I realize that, even though you may be able to anticipate some of my needs and preferences, you are not a mind-reader and I need to ask for what I want.

13. I will compliment you sincerely; I will compliment you in front of others and save criticism for when we are in private.

14. I will touch you gently.

15. I understand that it is important to be romantic and I will never stop courting you.

16. I realize that individual space is important and I need to respect your right to privacy; when we spend time apart it will be because our separate interests generate interest between us.

17. I will not fear change because change in our marriage can mean growth.

18. I understand that fighting fairly includes: no threats, accusations, or name calling.

19. I know that in spite of my best efforts, my human imperfection will provide many opportunities to apologize;  I am willing to say, "I'm sorry."

20. I recognize that foolish pride and holding on to anger is dangerous to our relationship; I am willing to say, "I forgive you."

21. I understand that appreciation and recognition cannot be taken for granted; I am willing to say, "Thank you."

22. I will develop my sense of humor and invite you to laugh with me.

23. I will develop my ability to connect with you in your feelings; there will be times when we will cry together, and doing so will bond our hearts.

24. I know that it is unrealistic for either of us to always be strong; weak or strong, our marriage will be interdependent.

25. I will make a habit of performing caring acts daily.

26. I will look for love, even when I don't "feel" it or hear the words.

27. I understand that "getting married" is a life-long process; I will be patient.

Bonus Commitments, not in my original list
28. I will cultivate optimism so that we can celebrate rainbows after the rain.

29. I will use my sense of humor to help us maintain perspective, to uplift us, and never to hurt us.

30. I will celebrate the sound of your laughter and the times we share laughter for whatever reason.


More terrific advice like this is included in "Toilet Paper, Toothpaste, and Tuna-Noodle Casserole: Observations and Advice on Love, Marriage, and Authentic Intimacy From a Psychologist Who's On The Practice-Makes-Perfect Program," by Steve Wilson. Click here to buy it now.

The Top 10 Ways To Avoid Getting Into A Relationship Doomed To Fail

It was my great privilege as a marriage counselor and as the customer of marriage counselors on more than a few occasions*, to get to look behind closed doors of relationships and learn a thing or two about what goes right and what goes wrong.

During this "month of love" I will share with you some of the best advice I ever received or figured out. What's below was adapted from Dennis R. Tesdell, author of "Self Care Weekly" newsletter and numerous lists and articles on self care.

These are ten of the most common things men & women do when they are searching for love or for a relationship where they want to be loved. In each case, it will inevitably *NOT* meet their needs:
1. Forcing your desire for a relationship onto the other person, and because the other person doesn't know how to say "no," they stay with you. (A sick “sixth” sense.)

 
2. Everything about the other person tells your head and "gut" they are NOT the one, but you ignore your intuition and mind and go ahead anyhow. (“Who do you trust?”)

 
3. You mix up someone being nice or friendly with you with romance. (Approval-seeking)

 
4. You fear or hate being alone, so you latch onto the first person who comes by and is available. (Lonely vs. alone. Your own best friend.)

 
5. You look only at the person's looks and outside "wrappings & trappings" and do not investigate or pay attention to what they are really like as a *person*. (Superficialism projection. Self respect.)

 
6. Even though you know this person has done bad things to other people in past relationships, you choose to believe that he/she will not do the same to you. (That leopard is a snake!)

 
7. You mistake your great sexual adventures and fun with this person for love. (“This must be love!”)

 
8. You are in a relationship, but you don't express your feelings and needs to your partner for fear you will hurt their feelings or make them angry. (Authenticity deficiency.)

 
9. You know your partner is deceiving you but you refuse to believe it, even though you know the truth. You stay in denial about it all. (Red-flag Syndrome.)

 
10. The other person shows a lot of interest in you and you respond quickly and passionately, without really finding out if this person is who or what you really want in a relationship partner. (Be authentically free. “Trust, but verify.”)

 
* I summarized a whole lot of my best advice in "Toilet Paper, Toothpaste, and Tuna-Noodle Casserole: Observations and Advice on Love, Marriage, and Authentic Intimacy From a Psychologist Who's On The Practice-Makes-Perfect Program." Click here to buy this incredible book now.